just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
