She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.
I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
She even gives head with a lisp.
and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests
Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
as she was beating the hell out of his ex, she screamed prison rules, and smashed her head with a beer bottle. I'm oddly afraid yet so attracted to her now.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
He looks like a fat version of lurch from the adams family and smells like fritos. This is not the caliber man I want pleasuring himself to the thought of me!
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
So I just realized I have three bananas, seven condoms, three lube packets, three tampons, and a shot glass in my bag but no pen #modelstudent
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
Randomize
