Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Randomize
