I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
We almost drove away from the bar with a British stranger in our trunk...
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