You're the host. Of course you wear the diaper. It's like wearing the pants.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
Is it bad that I want a job purely so I can buy drugs with without feeling like I am sacrificing my future?
Why do you think I have a job?
You stumbled in the door as high as a kite, & ran into the table. I asked you if you were all right. You replied with "I don't have any soup."
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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