Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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