I'm so high I used the top vent on my dashboard to heat up a cheeseburger
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I THINK I JUST JOINED A GANG. PLEASE PICK ME UP.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
Randomize
