i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
You were in no condition to manage a 3-way.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
Yes ma'am. I'm attracted to unconventional people, you know that.
True. I can't judge, half of my sexual partners I only know a false first name & a number. We all have our kinks.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
Randomize
