3 deer just ran past us on the street. At least I get to see some tail tonight
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I hate csi yet I find myself watching a full marathon. I am also eating hotdog buns stuffed with barbecue chips and they are quite tasty
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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