my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?
I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.
Went to the wedding reception, and he left with ALL of the brides maids phone numbers. I don't know how he does it either.
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
I saw a groundgog last night outside my back door. I now have a new wedding gift idea.
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Death by dick. An honorable death. Put a picture of his dick in the photo collage at my funeral.
I'm going to be there later than expected. There was a yo-yo incident...
It is like...the most transformative hard on I have ever had.
Randomize
