nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
Thanks for the birthday present, i had so much fun playing with it
Are you talking about my vagina?
nyquil sex gave me 6 orgasms so I support that
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
