Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
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