i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
hammered. By myself. Accident. Faillll. Snowwwwwy
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
Is 28 too old to get fingered in Centennial Park? Asking for a friend.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
