I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
