Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
I can'nr wwn explain this nihght . So amnt dixks. Shitttttt.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
