Please tell me you did not just serenade her with "Let's Get it On"?
Yeah I think it worked. My penis thanks you, Captain Morgan.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Okay so I've been talking to the mice again and they agree with me that you're a piece of shit.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
Randomize
