i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Great, now even dream!me is a drunken borderline mess.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
