conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
hey my socially awkward cousin is our designated driver for summer, we just have to put up with her wierd shit.
Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Fuck away man. Like 3% of these new people will be back next week. This is the best week of the year to slam bitches at the gym.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
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