i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
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