omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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