I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Whiskey + Water + Crystal Lite does NOT = refreshing summer time drink.....
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
