She is in my trunk
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
He got a new tattoo in prison. It's actually a good tattoo, making it that much harder for me to hold out until he's off house arrest.
You rode your bike four miles to my house. Yelled "I'm so high!" Then crashed into his car. It's a problem.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Randomize
