1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
You and the dog were competed for the water dish
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
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