6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
this is ridiculous... i look like a white version of MC Hammer...
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
I brought his matress to the living room we're laying on it listening to rick james drinking vodka
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
Grandma said I got a good handjob. I think she meant manicure.
Randomize
