John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
As he was going down on me, I looked over his shoulder and said "ohh a Christian mingle commercial is on"
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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