I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.
Now for something completely different: ive figured out how to eat a banana without insinuating something completely naughty
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
I'm gonna try and get through this weekend sober, which is gonna be tough especially since I've already started drinking.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
