You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
and this is why we should make december sharting awareness month.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
Sorry if this is weird, but please don't have sex in my truck. I get to be the first...
When that bartender tried to tell us he sang like Sade, I knew it was time to go
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
We have to do it Saturday and get a thirty. If i remember correctly it takes me 12 beers to become a wizard
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Listen here, Ms. "I'm Gonna Get Super Drunk and Run From My Friends Screaming That They Were Going to Drag Her to a Scientology Recruitment Camp"...
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
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