It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
I have managed to reach the 'after meth poster look' before lunch here...
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
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