i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
Turns out she left way earlier. So I'm stuck with this guy asking where he can score meth and if I'm really straight.
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
