Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
He was just laying on the stairs and then screamed, "Is that a clubhouse?" I haven't seen him since
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
Being on probation is a nice change of pace. It's refreshing to wake up and know what I did last night.
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Fuck my life he IS a stripper, Ive been sleeping with a stripper named Phoenix. damnit, I knew the sex was too good
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
I got so pissed i stormed off and threw his burrito on his windshield
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