Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Some girl just asked us for directions back to campus. we told her to take the first four lefts. We live on a block. she believed us
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
She's planning a December wedding, I'm planning on a June breakup.
You puked on the bar then proceeded to walk out. I told the bartender some girl walked up, puked and left and he gave me a free drink. Hope you got home safe.
He didn't call me beautiful but he came in less than five minutes so same thing, right?
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
I was really excited when I saw a billboard for neverbethirsty.org this morning. Then I realized it was for a church.
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
