Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Friends don't brand friends with cigars. It's not how it works.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
lol show me an arrest record and I'll drop my panties
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
Randomize
