why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
IM TRYING TO SAY GOODNIGHT STOP FOR LIKE FIVE SECONDS WITH THE DICK SUCKING
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
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