i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
lets just use each other and get past this awkward stage. forget my name.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I told her it would be awesome. We are all the same people. One of us would always be drunk, one of us would always be hooking up, and one of us would always be crying into a pancake.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
ELLEHCIM
NYRMAK
DRAHCIR
WHAT??
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
