i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
It was so cute that he apologized for getting cum on my couch. If he realized how many guys had cum on that couch in the past year, he wouldn't have touched my vagina with a 10-ft pole.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
Well, let's just say, I got that eye patch like we were joking about
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
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