Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
He went down on me while I was on the phone with my grandma.
Last thing googled on my laptop last night was vagina chaffing. What the fuck?
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
