Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I am not saying having unprotected sex in my boss' pool was a good idea, I am just saying it wasn't my worst idea of the summer.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
You are not the cause of late onset lesbianism.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
