He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
