I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
dude throwing a golf cart off a pier is harder than it seems!
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
How about to stay friends we only have sex on our birthdays. Maybe national holidays too. And days we get really drunk. Wanna get really drunk?
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
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