I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Word of advice, don't put your jar if peanut butter in the microwave, blue fire comes out
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
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