My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
eww mummy girl is here...
what the fuckk. i just want to hold her down, wax her eyebrows, and give her some morals.
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks
in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
