You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Well, I watched a girl proposition a shit ton of people, try to take a cocktail waitresses job and then proceed to walk into a wall. Damn, I'm a little jealous.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
I did not marry a roomba.
Randomize
