You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
We may have a problem that even dr. phil cant solve
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
I feel like your dick pick is everywhere. Never have I needed to be so careful when posting pictures.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
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