I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
We were simultaneously boning chicks 3 feet away from each other. Do you realize how much that upped our 15 year friendship?
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
Okay, new plan. Get drunk, eat breadsticks. It's going to be great.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Apparently I repeatedly thanked the paramedic for saving the "happy new year" beads i was wearing. that bad.
Randomize
