You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
