I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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