I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Cockoligist
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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