Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
Look at my fb. It says single. That's the gospel.
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
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