So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Randomize
