Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
You tried crawling through the apartment window instead of going through the wide open door next to it
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
