glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I went to the haunted house just to see her - Hello new fetish!
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
I sent him home with blood on his fingers and shame in his heart.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
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