On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
You're the end to all my bad dreams.
Did you have that reoccuring dream about me banging your mom again?
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
Fuck appropriateness.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"
Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
Apparently I'm a "fire hazard"
I just sold Adderall to a priest, im not quite sure how I feel about this situation
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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